5 Minute Friday: New

GO

"Behold, I make all things new.
Even your heart."

(From the song Shine with Cory Asbury and Allyson Prior, by the way.
It's on the playlist way down, if you want to hear it.)

Do I believe that's true? I want to just say yes, but do I live like that? Do I live in the knowledge that God's making me new? In that faith?

I moan, wallow, sin, and when I'm stuck, I just sit there.
Miserable and grumpy.

That is not an attitude that believes God is transforming me. Yes, he helps me, but that does not mean I can just sit there either. He offers to be by my side, yes, and give me strength and his Spirit, but that doesn't mean I don't have to choose to obey him. I do. There is no excuse for that lack of faith. It's just not in my heart.

But I know I can ask for it. I want it.
At least I know I want to want it. 

And he's able. God's able to give me faith and make me new.
What a truth.

STOP

(Sorry I added a couple sentences after five minutes, only to finish the thought.)

5 Minute Friday: Beauty

This isn't written in five minutes.
I need this post to be a little longer, I think.
And it's very late, I know. But, oh well. 

* * *

You're ugly. 

The master deceiver has been pounding that into me these last few weeks. He's returned. Sometimes, I think I'm over it, but as my mentor has told me, it's never over. It's a continual fight. So here he is again, and he's strong. And I believe him. Sometimes, it's just a normal moment in the day and suddenly I remember,

I'm ugly. 

And that thought pounds into me. . . so thick and impossible to ignore. A dense cloud above me. A black one. I see those beautiful girls I love and I'm not jealous, I'm not, 

but I'm sad. Because seeing their beauty reminds me of how ugly I feel. That sinking reminder. 

"I still believe these lies." 

I know they're lies. I do. I know it in my head, but I still believe. I shiver and I know it's a lie but I still find myself believing it all. I can tell myself over and over again that outward beauty fades. . . that I am beautiful. . . that I'm valuable. But that doesn't change my heart. It doesn't change my emotions. It doesn't move that cloud looming. It's still there, dark and powerful. Casting a shadow upon my head that doesn't leave. 

So here I am, drowning. 

But then there's those moments, when I'm surrounded by beauty. His beauty and presence. So surrounded that I'm transformed and there's no room for selfishness, only room for awe. And that's the place I'm beautiful: in awe of and in love with my Creator. Soaking in his delights. Just staring at that sunset or that fox scurrying by. When I'm on my knees, telling him of my struggle. Telling him that I'm drowning. Because I am, and it's true that I don't know what to do. So help me, I beg. I'm here, because I can't do anything on my own. 

So here I am:
A mess.
God, just let me be here. In surrender to you.
I know that's the place where I'm most beautiful and complete.

5 Minute Friday: Whole

(Yeah, on a Saturday.)

Today's prompt is
Whole.

So here goes.

* * *

To be whole. 

I immediately think of allowing myself to be wholly healed by God. To pry my fingers apart and open my heart wide to allow him to cleanse me.

I have, many times, felt myself close myself from being whole. 

I close up when God asks me to open up. In the smallest things, like allowing my arms to stay down while singing at church even when I feel the hungry desire to lift them high. I could allow God to help me get past my fear in that, but I just jam my hands further into my pockets and keep them there. And that reflects how, in my heart's desire to wholly surrender, let God get in so deep, so saturated in every section of my life, heart, passion...

-I stop. Shut those doors. In my fear, in my flesh, in my weakness. I can tell so often that if I just gave it up to allow God in, 

I would be whole. He would hold my hand through my fears and conquer them. 

It would be better than myself here: closed off, not healed in every area of my life, not allowing conviction. To let God consume me. I know that, and yet I stay. I know God can make me whole. 

And yet I choose to remain broken.
I know it's true.

* * *

Give it a try if you wish. It really is freeing and even surprising what comes out of writing like this. It bares what is on your heart.

5 Minute Friday: Still

GO

To be still.
It's hard for my heart to be still.

All the music, chaos, traffic, words, interaction, media -
always bombarding me. Distracting me.
And I let it carry me away on it's current. I let myself melt into the world, eyes feasting on the colors and lights whirring by.

Sometimes, every once in a while though,
God stops me.

He puts a hand on my racing heart and says, "Be still."

He brings me back, in the dead of night, when I'm alone.
He reminds me that I was made for him. That he is more beautiful than anything I can imagine.
Life with him is infinitely better than life with the world.
And I talk to him and I love him and I know that's where I belong.
With him. In the secret place, in the stillness.

Then I forget again.
I forget.

Oh God, bind my wandering heart to you. Because I am prone to wander, to leave the God I love. I know I am, and I beg you to
never let me go.

STOP

Hey, if you want to do this too, you can.
I'll direct you over here because I'm not as good at stating the rules.

Thanks for reading. Really. You mean so much to me.

5 Minute Friday: Full

 * * *

Today, I don't feel full.

I think of Bilbo's raspy voice saying,
"I feel thin.
Like butter spread over too much bread."

And that ache in his voice,
is in my heart.

I don't know why.
Am I doing something wrong, God? Am I seeking the wrong thing right now? Am I not looking to you? Why is it that I feel so . . .
miserable?
These past few days, I don't know what's gotten into me.
I had one sweet, filling moment with God, but the rest . . .
the rest of the time I feel empty. A vase unfilled, a well dried up.

Then I think of a verse, Isaiah 58:11.

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

 * * *

 


This is my first time doing this.

You can do it too.


5 Minute Friday is about writing. Just writing. No worrying, no editing, just letting loose. Leaking out what's on your heart. Here are the steps:

1. Write for 5 minutes without editing or touching up. Just write and don't worry about mistakes.
2. Link back to The Gypsy Mama and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in the right side bar of her blog}.
3. Go and tell the person who linked up before you what their words meant to you. Every writer longs to feel heard.

Prompt:
             Full