All Around Us

Every once in a while, I am astonished by the realization that this world is but a mirror dim.

Seriously. Positively mind-blown and reminded and surprised and excited by all of the reflections, glimpses,
metaphors

everywhere

that God has planted in this world to show what is to come.

Take food. Oh how good food is! Sometimes I think about how everyone needs - and even loves - to eat. Eating is a short experience. You eat and you're done. But people pay so much to taste something that will disappear within minutes, that vaporizes faster than the time, sweat, and money spent for it. The value of food is acknowledged universally. The adventure and fulfillment of food is sought after by all. And even the few people who do not care about flavor or concern themselves mentally or emotionally with what goes down their throats -
still need food. Desperately. It is vital. There is no escaping that need, no ignoring of it.

We all need to eat. Because we all hunger. 

That may be a simple fact, yet it blows me away.

Because
it makes me

remember.

That this isn't all there is.

We've got souls that need to be fed. We were made to eat and be full. We were made to be satisfied. And this world's metaphor, the painting God has created for us in this life, the dependence we were born into - it's all a nudging.

And there's the height, width, depth of the Grand Canyon as I stand before it. It's the love of God, right there.

There's the deepest relationship in my life, so full of love, sweet to the taste. And that's just one sliver of what my relationship with God could become. Will become.

There's the glory and indescribable passion, presence, filling up the most anointed worship times I've experienced. But a
fraction
of the eternal singing and presence and
beautiful dance of Heaven to come.

And my mind is blown as I discover that all that is laid before us in this world is just
a foretaste.
And I thought that this, this was all there is. I thought this was all there was to know and find and seek.

But I was wrong.

And I am wrong, daily.

When I choose TV shows and the emotional rushes they give me.
When I complain about my chores.
When I am spiteful in my relationships.
When I believe that I am more important, that pain has no gain, that there is nothing more than the meager life laid before me. When I choose to forget.

Because that's what it is, isn't it? When your eyes have been opened and you've been given truth. . . and you do nothing about it? I am choosing the shallows. It's deliberate. Wallowing in fear, maybe. Scared to be bold. Scared to pray big. Scared to reach for eternal reward everyday.

It's living just like the world. Choosing to never look beyond or seek. 

And I want eyes for eternity.

Forever Discovering

Sometimes I feel as if I'm in an everlasting cycle.

This stumbling through life, first. Finding out how unsatisfied I am.

Calling out, then. Desperate.

Discovering God's mercies. Finding truth. Receiving his love. Collapsing into his arms.

Next I'm asking him to not forget this change he's given me.

Then I'm back to trying on my own. Living on my own, forgetting.

And there is always this discovery, realizing, learning
again
that this world's not enough. I am weak. I'm not able. That I mess up. This world's a crooked place. I can't stand the way it is.

Rediscovering
that when I try and make it work,
I won't ever run.

And when I'm always trying to fix myself. . .
it's only God that can save this Desperate one.

Always a sinful forgetting followed by a simple discovering.

I don't think I'll ever stop learning this need of him, this love of his, this astounding grace held out. . .
for as long as I live.

This is one lesson I'll never have down. It's something to be discovered time and time again, until the day he makes me holy.

Awaken me.

Sometimes I awaken. Get the glimpses of truth, the epiphanies, the divine ripping away of blindness. God peeling away those selfish layers like a curtain holding out the light. And I see.

I can see.

Light flashes bright. A shock for my eyes accustomed to the dark of the world. 

And in that moment, I see the ashes of my life and of this world. I see it for what it truly is in the exposure: futile.

It’s nothing. All those trivial things only hinder me and blind me.

But as that moment of enlightenment begins to fade, I stop striving and start sliding.

Sliding back.

Back, with eyes hypnotized. Believing these worldly things are like shimmering pearls. The illusion crawls back up, tricking my heart, and it’s only when the trumpet will sound that the pearls will fade before my eyes. And that’s when the sickening dread and regret will crash over me.

When it’s too late.

And I don’t want that to happen to me.

Partly because of plain old fear. Maybe it’s the wrong motivation, but. . .

I just, God-

I never.

Never.

Want to lose eyes for eternity.

May your Spirit reign in me so thick that I can never forget. Never lose sight, flush away purpose and time. This life is a vapor, disappearing in the wind. And there’s not much time, not much time. You’re at the door. May a holy haste and urgency press on my heart at all moments. May your presence be so near me, so thoroughly meshed with my heart that I’m always striving, yearning, acting. May I be bold.

Because the time’s short. It’s so short.

And I don’t want to awake when it’s too late.

Living in Ink

I just watched Ocean's Eleven again recently. The team uses a pinch to take out all of Las Vegas' power for thirty seconds to accomplish their heist of a casino. The movie flashes between different scenes - of a crowd watching a boxing fight, shouting, and then suddenly

darkness.

They're all in darkness.

The camera shows the whole city alight from afar, and then you see the millions of lights and flashes. . . wipe out. The whole city sits in darkness.

As I watched, I was struck thinking of every single person in the city experiencing this darkness. Whatever they were doing must have been stopped. Someone could have been getting married, having a baby, or

dying

in that darkness.

Everyone's life was affected. Each situation changed.
A hush could have fallen. Or a scream could rise up in the night.
Pandemonium, chaos,
or silent sobs.
Each person grasping the person next to them, fingers grabbing that skin, the warm skin of someone,
to know they weren't alone.
Whatever happened, wherever they were, they all felt that same darkness.

They were blinded.
Gripped with fear.
And lost.

And as I was thinking it over,
I realized that this darkness. . . it's real.

The whole world is plunged in ink.
Everyone's wandering through their life,
searching,
seeking,
pouring themselves out to find satisfaction.
And not finding it, in the end.

And really, they're all lost.

The reality of it is clear and I want to weep. This truth always strikes me on occasion: that the world is lost. But I so easily forget it. . .

I never want to lose the impact of that truth, God. 

Never. 


Because then I won't be living with the right goals in mind. That passion for the lost is in your heart, I know it. And to follow you, I want to want what you want. To feel your desires pulsing in rhythm with my heartbeat. Drenching my skin, drumming in my mind, thoughts, emotions. In the core of my being, may your Spirit be present. Alive. Transforming my heart to breathe along with yours.

"Break my heart for what breaks yours. . ." 

Building on shaky sand.

...sometimes I find,
sometimes I awake and see that I'm spending
all
this
time

building up my identity, my personality, my style. Just like everyone else in this world.
I live and work to do that so much.

And, as a follower of Christ, I shouldn't do that. 
It isn't right.
That is not my focus. Not my goal. It is not my purpose, the point of this vapor life. The destination at the end of this narrow, craggy road is not attained by seeking worldly satisfaction in abundant possessions and a created identity. My confidence should not come from myself. It's the splintered, bloodied wood. The price that was payed, the atonement of that beautiful Son of Man -

that's the key. It is what has given me life. That is the reason my soul is awake and redeemed.

I should be following him, with all my heart.

Not trying to build up my life and my person to be shown to others. I get lost in doing it, so much.

Derailed.

Fame and celebrities and too many movies
throw me off.
Like after watching a whole night of the Academy Awards,
or reading online about famous people,
or digging into a movie too much.

It makes me derailed off life,
and reality,

and me and God.

It troubles me.