I really feel like blogging about something substantial, but I have no idea what to write about. So I'll just dive in on one little thing that's been on my mind for a while.
When I got back from the Arizona mission trip,
I felt... dismantled.
You know, ridiculous. Terrible. Horrendous.
Being back home, in my house was odd. Being around my own family again felt different. The people I'd seen, the place I'd been, the lack of sleep, the environment was all suddenly different.
I felt so out of place and strained.
After the ride home with my parents, I went down to my room, sat down on my bed...
and just cried.
It felt good. I was alone again. I talked to God aloud.
Already, I missed Arizona so much. I didn't know how I could keep going with that strong, pulsing ache inside. To cry it out felt comforting.
The relief of those moments soon passed, and in the next couple days I felt almost as awful as I had in the first minutes I got back. I was filled with tension.
It took me a while to see it... but I realized I hadn't been doing my devotions.
I felt so stripped after all of that continual, daily purpose that surrounded us every day on the trip
was gone.
While I was there, our team was united. We were reaching out to the people. We were told truth every single minute. After so much preparation, now we were doing it. Our purpose was missions, and we could fulfill that purpose every day, constantly,
so soon, so close.
That purpose was laid before us, and we could pick it up right there.
And then, I was back. On my own.
But with the same purpose, though the steps weren't laid before me so easily. It took me a while to see that.
To open my Bible again,
felt perfect.
I can know that I still have the same purpose:
to love my God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.
And through that, love can pour out of me and onto others.
I'm still unsure, I'm still scared.
But my God is with me.
Whom then shall I fear?
I should still keep on running the race, digging into the Word,
abiding, abiding
striving, loving, praying, seeking.
And the finish line yet awaits,
where God will be standing, arms wide open,
to say,
"Well done, good and faithful servant."
So I cling to hope.
4 comments:
sweet
...Yeah.
Its the same with Mexico.
I know
how you feel
(Okay, I know this comment is really random and like a year after you wrote this post, I have been exploring your blog...) But yeah. I have this EXACT same feeling every missions trip I come home from. After returning from one trip I came to the realization that one thing I missed was the expectation of seeing God work... On a missions trip, you expect to see God every day, so you do. At home, I just forget that God is still working in every moment and in every breath, and I forget to look for him... So I started a journal to write all of my God moments from when I'm not on missions trips, and it helped just a little...
Gosh, this comment was a lovely surprise! Unexpected.
That's cool. That journal? ...I might copy you sometime.... :)
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