5 Minute Friday: Beauty

This isn't written in five minutes.
I need this post to be a little longer, I think.
And it's very late, I know. But, oh well. 

* * *

You're ugly. 

The master deceiver has been pounding that into me these last few weeks. He's returned. Sometimes, I think I'm over it, but as my mentor has told me, it's never over. It's a continual fight. So here he is again, and he's strong. And I believe him. Sometimes, it's just a normal moment in the day and suddenly I remember,

I'm ugly. 

And that thought pounds into me. . . so thick and impossible to ignore. A dense cloud above me. A black one. I see those beautiful girls I love and I'm not jealous, I'm not, 

but I'm sad. Because seeing their beauty reminds me of how ugly I feel. That sinking reminder. 

"I still believe these lies." 

I know they're lies. I do. I know it in my head, but I still believe. I shiver and I know it's a lie but I still find myself believing it all. I can tell myself over and over again that outward beauty fades. . . that I am beautiful. . . that I'm valuable. But that doesn't change my heart. It doesn't change my emotions. It doesn't move that cloud looming. It's still there, dark and powerful. Casting a shadow upon my head that doesn't leave. 

So here I am, drowning. 

But then there's those moments, when I'm surrounded by beauty. His beauty and presence. So surrounded that I'm transformed and there's no room for selfishness, only room for awe. And that's the place I'm beautiful: in awe of and in love with my Creator. Soaking in his delights. Just staring at that sunset or that fox scurrying by. When I'm on my knees, telling him of my struggle. Telling him that I'm drowning. Because I am, and it's true that I don't know what to do. So help me, I beg. I'm here, because I can't do anything on my own. 

So here I am:
A mess.
God, just let me be here. In surrender to you.
I know that's the place where I'm most beautiful and complete.