Come What May

God.
I know that I can't keep going on like this.
This in-out love I have for you.
Living on the emotional highs and lows,
which I've let become my faith.
Valley and mountain. Desert and oasis. I've got trust when it's easy, but no grit when it's tough.
My weaknesses.
My lacking.

Coming back over and over again,
only to say
again
that I've messed up.
And that I need you.

But
not
changing.

This thirst for surrender.
Ache for the Spirit.
Seeing my flaws, asking for transformation,
but still disobeying your discipline.

Every day.

I'm not who I want to be.
Not what you want me to become.
I want to change,


but am I willing to go through fire to get it?


The other night, I found myself on my bed, crying and asking God for
hardship.
Because I know my faith is weak and I know I'll never believe I need him alone if my life stays the way it is. Big or little trial, 
I was begging. 
I don't want the pain of it, but I want the gain of it. 
I know it will change me. I need something to wake me up. And I finally fell to my knees and sobbed before my Daddy.
My flesh half is terrified of what's to come.
 
But my soul whispers, "Come what may.

I want to be satisfied in Him alone."