Friday, August 03, 2012

Losing Sight

*A (slightly edited) journal entry I wrote when I couldn't sleep at 2am today. Sometimes my mind just can't stop churning.
And by the way - the 'you' is just as much to you as me. I needed to hear this, I needed truth. And one of the best ways for me to meet God is in writing. So I hope you don't feel preached at, only challenged and reminded with love by someone just as lost as you.

Have you ever felt as if you no longer know who you are?

And because of that disconcerting realization, feeling, haunting. . .
the whole of life is derailed for you?

The one thing you knew so certainly, the one thing you thought you had full iron control over, the one thing that matters - your identity - is shattered. Hurled into the dark, swallowing sky. Snatched from your grasp.

But really, when the curtain is pushed aside,
it is only an illusion of control that is shattered. You misplaced, overestimated the value of that feeling. And you lost sight of truth.

Oh the truth that you forgot.

How small you are. How little strength you truly possess. How much time and energy you pour into making yourself into someone, into feeling  like you made yourself someone valuable.

There's a Rock. He's a Potter too. Waiting patiently. Waiting for you. And he's desirous for your heart, this Lover and Bridegroom. He's so willing, so ready to answer, if you would only ask. If you would only remember him, he would give you more of his presence. If you would only hate your sin, only repent, seek holiness with a broken bowing and prayers whispered. . .

he would make you new.

He, he would make you into Someone.

But you're caught up in your illusion, your dreamed puppet show. You're addicted to feeling good, feeling strong and capable.

But that's not where you belong.

You belong in feeling weak.

You ought to be addicted to that need, that steady yet rippling feeling, that position of lowness. Ever leaning.

For it's a reminder that you're not enough. It's a thrusting. And in your consciousness, in your living, if you're leaning, you can't forget that you're not alone.

2 comments:

A.E.Klos said...

Anna,

have i ever told you how much i love reading your writing..

I find in it, hearing your struggles, and realizations. I also find the words that i cant find.

I love you <3

Anonymous said...

Ashley.

You just made me cry.

That means so much to me... and even now, I'm tearing up all over again.

I love you.