midnight musings

It always catches me by surprise, when God manufactures things just for me, it seems. I like how he works in themes, teaches me in waves. As I rise and fall in the current, he always manages to hit me right in the nose with his lessons. All around, in my relationships and mistakes and in the church sermon and the songs, he speaks to me. It brings tears to my eyes. As I sink low, he meets me. And as I rise up, confident in my own strength, he humbles me. Always, God understands. And this truth doesn't only bring comfort. It brings conviction too. He understands, and knows, and doesn't let me go off the hook. He's got a hold on my belt loop, even when I'm resistant.

Right now, it's my struggles with various relationships in my life. And it's not the people with the problems. It's me. And how I relate to these people, how I struggle to forgive. I find myself lashing out, impatience and anger often bubbling to the surface. I'm sure Satan's been pleased by my behavior lately. The Holy Spirit in me has been heartbroken, I feel it. I'm full of shame.

I really didn't want to go to church this weekend. I don't know what it was. I was so tempted to stay home. Internally, I battled unsteadily. Wondering if I was choosing to stay home just because I didn't feel like it, because I wanted to avoid God's voice. I eventually decided to go. And not with a good attitude, I might add. You should have seen my scowl.

But once I slid into the pew, started singing along to the songs,
I found God meeting me. Even though I had tried to avoid him.

It often works like that, doesn't it?

Thank the Lord. Who knows where or who I would be if it weren't for that. I always have a bad attitude and impure motives. This is why I love how Jesus came to heal the sick, not the healthy. It's glorious, and I drink that truth in with gratefulness.

Anyways, when the sermon began, I was knocked off my feet. Figuratively, of course, because I was sitting down. God knew! He knew what was going on inside of me! It really is pathetic how easy it is for me to forget. And yet discovering it again always increases my joy.

That parable, it sure struck home. My incalculable debt is forgiven, and yet I go out and strangle others because they've hurt me a little, or they owe me in our relationship. I seek out this dissension. After all that grace that was lavished upon me. I get what want, my debt wiped clean, then get off my knees, and forget all about it.

He's calling me to have grace on others as he has grace on me. 

It was both hard and sweet to hear what God wanted me to hear. His lessons are inescapable, and sometimes my flesh really hates that. Sometimes I really fear it, too. But it never brings me down the wrong path. Once I see that again, I know there's no where else I want to be but on the road of life.