Heartbeat

I can struggle to reach for the deeper things in life. How can I learn to see past the interactions, events, and days - and see what's really beneath the surface of it all? There is so much on the surface to distract me. My feelings, the ups and downs of the days and weeks, people, and who I am,
all often getting in the way of me being able to see God.

There's so much out there. And I feel as though it's too easy to miss what really matters.

Tears are filling my eyes even as I write, because I'm so exhausted by my blindness. My infatuation with the surface of life. I feel decayed. And not just because it's one in the morning and my body and soul are tired. I'm decayed by all I am, all I've chosen, and all I haven't sought.

Sickened by the things I've been unable to see.

That's all I feel. Simply and honestly. I have no words of hopefulness to write. In this moment, I'm despairing. This doesn't mean I don't trust God, I don't think. But I'm not going to deny how I feel right now, which is a torrent: overwhelmed by life, brokenhearted over many things, and sometimes depressed.

I simply sit in this dark cave, a moment of melancholy, and believe that God is not afraid of my pain or darkness. I choose to have faith in that.