Life as I know it will change. Things won't ever be the same again. I am leaving so many loved ones. Deserting so many possibilities. Giving up my sanctuaries, places filled with memory, rooms bursting with the times I grew into who I am today and spilling over with the moments when I stood bare before God. When I became His. I'm leaving it all behind.
My first instinct is to hide, and my first reaction is to fear.
Oh fear, cold fear.
Whenever change comes upon me, I moan and say, "I hate change." My mom looks me in the eyes, sees the daughter she knows well, and says, "I know." Adapting doesn't come easily to me. But worry does. Anxiety, overthinking, and paralysis do. They don't even take a snap of my fingers. Boom. They're there, my blood seeped in them.
And I hate that.
I do not want to be one consumed with fear, ruled by fear.
Fear enslaves. Fear doesn't come from God. Fear comes from the Prince of Darkness.
So I'm begging you, Jesus. Break the chains of fear. Burn the bonds that are wrapped 'round my wrists.
Love casts out fear. Your wounds, received for my sake, should cast out my fears. I shouldn't be afraid. I should be fearless.
Bold.
Unashamed.
Embracing all you have planned for me. Even when I can see no further ahead than my feet below me.
Oh Abba. Why do I have the spirit of fear, and not of adoption? I ache to have what you give. A spirit of adoption, my first reaction to be a cry out you, my first instinct to not be fear. . .but peace.
Peace which only sprouts from the confidence you give. Emerges from the light that shines from your face. Peace which is born from Faith.
Yes, oh yes! That is what I want. Faith.
Faith abounding.
That's what I want my blood to be seeped in.
Holy Spirit, fill me up to the overflowing. I need you. I can't bear any fruit without you. I have no gifts without you. I need you so that I won't stay the same. So that I'll be forever changed.
I am, I'm leaving.
I'm leaving my father, my mother. I'm leaving my city, my friends, my past. Leaving possessions, papers, and panic. I'm leaving my house, my block, my room - all which are sights well-worn and places well-loved. I'm leaving all that. But do you know what I think?
I don't think I'm leaving my home, anymore.
Because home's not here, not there. It's not Seattle or Minneapolis.
Home's not a place.
Home is a person.
His name is Jesus.
1 comment:
God has designed us to not be fully, lastingly satisfied with any city (or thing) on earth. By faith we are seeking a city whose builder and maker is God. We are seeking a homeland, a better country, that is, a heavenly one. We want to be like Moses and consider the reproach of Christ greater than the treasures of Egypt. We see that Jesus also suffered outside the gate in order to sanctify the people through his own blood. Therefore let us go to him outside the camp and bear the reproach he endured. For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come. (Hebrews 11-13)
I love your heart Anna. May you find yourself at home with Jesus in Seattle. He is already there waiting for you, whatever befalls. The Lord will be your helper.
Know that those of us who love you are feeling the rending as well. It is hard to see you leave.
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