Finding my way home

I began writing this post a few nights ago.

I am sitting on the couch, the clock saying, "11:06." The music's going, it's Sunday night, late. My family are all in different rooms. I went to church yesterday, and I cried.

I cried a much needed cry.

And I'm not sure much what I'm thinking these days. I don't really know what's on my mind. I'm having trouble seeing well in the midst of my chaos and spiritual warfare. Life's in its ups and downs, and I'm in mine too. Laughing and loving my friends so much, and then trudging home from school with a heavy heart. Up, down. Over, under. Praying one night, feeling more lost than ever in the morning. Filled with worry, struggling to choose trust. I'm clinging so tight to some things, and I just can't seem to fully let go.

To open my palms,

as I know God asks of me.

Where am I? Who am I?

In my bed, I hid, in the dark. Feeling lonely. Racked with a sudden worry.

And then,
in the words of the music playing beside me,

His peace came in.

Strong as sunlight.

And there's something that I need to remember: in all my ups, downs, falls, rises-
His words and ways stand strong. It's so hard to believe sometimes. Hard to stop the pounding of my disbelieving, anxious heart. I don't know where I am or how I am, but I know something better.

My King is unchanging.

And thank goodness He's the one in charge, not me.

I know this is jumpy post and my thoughts are a jumble. I'm lost. (Are you lost too?)

But sometimes,
I think it takes a certain amount of
lostness

to find God.

To find the way home.

Here I am, struggling to see, unsure of who I am or how my life truly is, but leaning as deeply as I am able into that place of lostness that helps me to be found.

For this is all I know to do. This is the only way home.

Quieter Hours

Here I am, yet again.

It's getting later and my wake up time looms early. But it's always just now that the itch to pen something down hits me. It comes exactly when it's inconvenient or just a little bit of a difficult choice to make.

But I like to choose it anyway.

For in the quieter hours of the night, the world is gentler. And thoughts can rise up when the din has faded into the background. I like the peace, the sleepiness of the house, the glow of my lamp behind me. I like that my mind is freed in my solitude.

And I suppose this post is absolutely nothing inspired. It's just the nonsense that I love to experience.
Just contentment at this time of night, this summer night.

Warm in my bed, cool in my home. And I am ready for Inspiration to strike. I'll just have to wait and see if he decides to visit me.

Dusk

It's evening.
Do you hear the birds?
The breeze is wafting through the windows.
I'm tired.
Warm too.
My fingernails have dirt under them,
and my heart has peace tucked inside,
for the first time in a little while.

Contented.

(source)

It's raining outside.

I just went to the Lagoon Theater, in Uptown,

with my mom, 

to Jane Eyre, the movie.

It was lovely.

And we took the bus, and then walked,

laughing,

with rain running down our faces.

There are still droplets on my nose and forehead and hair. 

I'm eating homemade bread, too.

I like how where I am feels right now.

The clouds outside, 

the wetness, grayness,

but warmness too.

I like sitting here, inside and warm,
and with the tea kettle whistling.
Here, and,

home.

 (source)

Simple Goodness

I don't usually particularly agree with "all's well that ends well" but I see how it feels that way.
I was just thinking, as I walked home from the bus stop, that

today was a good day.


I don't know. It ended happily.

I spent the last hour of school drinking a smoothie, eating root beer candies, laughing, reading Forest Born, and lying on Lindsay's back, with Anna's head on my stomach.

There was a funny, nicely-dorky sub.
We were all piled cozy, done with our work, and I could see the sky through the windows.
When class was over, there was a wonderful bustle in the hallways.
I put on my new coat, and walked out.
The air was deliciously cold.
Everyone was saying goodbye and smiling.
Auryanna hugged me and gave me two kisses on the cheek.
I walked to the bus, happy.
I heard my name called, and I turned around and saw Auryanna waving again.
We blew kisses.
I got on the bus, talked with Anna,
and I don't know it felt so perfect.
The walk to the bus stop was quiet.
The sky was beautiful, and the tree branches were all reaching toward it.
The air made me feel alive.


Break is ahead of me, hope is ahead of me.
It just feels
good
right now.