When I Don't Know What is Right

Not too long ago,

the Christian leaders in my life made a hard decision.

For the sake, they said, of doing the right thing.

And I admit I was filled with anger in my heart when I heard news of this decision. I didn't know what to think. What they were saying, their motives, all appeared Biblical and sound. But something didn't feel right.

It just didn't.

This wasn't what Jesus would have done.

That's what I thought at least, but I didn't know, not for sure.

I didn't know if my unsettled feeling about this situation and roiled emotions were that of Satan or the Holy Spirit. Was I angry because this was a hard thing to do and I've become like the world - wanting to do the easy things, the things that feel pleasant? Was I blinded by my callousness to what the Bible says? Or was I weighed down inside because the Holy Spirit was grieved, and I felt that grief along with Him because I am His dwelling place?

One thing I've come to learn is that feelings aren't truth, no matter how much they feel like it. And I would know: I live on my feelings. I'm probably one of the most sensitive, emotional people you could encounter (and I'm not saying in a good way).

When I'm in the midst of a sea of emotions, those waves are all I can see. They feel like all there is and nothing is clear and all I know is how it feels, how I feel. It's all I know and so it feels like truth. Satan likes to use my rootless, confused state - when I'm stranded in the middle of the sea - to deceive me.

But sometimes? Emotions are from God. They are sent as a warning, a notice, a message. I'm one with my Savior. I am His and He is mine and so how can I not feel what He feels? He's alive inside of me, this temple of His. He's transforming me and my heart belongs to Him, emotions and all. Sometimes, feelings can be truth and sight sent from God to guide.

As I sat, listening to the explanations of this decision, insides swirling and churning, and mind stranded on a rock - not knowing what the right things was,

all I knew to do was pray.

In my head I whispered, "Father. I don't know what to think of this. I can't tell if this was right or wrong. I know I'm angry and saddened. Give me insight into this situation.

Please? Won't you help me?"

After that, I felt my heart thaw. Just a little. I listened to their explanations and felt some understanding pass into my heart. I tried to be respectful and open-minded. The anger and hurt didn't dissolve, but it quieted.

I still don't know what I think about what happened. I also don't know the truth or what would have been right.

But God does. I'm choosing to rest in that, as hard as it is.