asking Him to change the channel of my heart

Wasting time.


It's no big deal, right? I tell myself.

It's too easy. When I'm sitting down to the computer or plopping in front of the TV,
how effortless.
And in the moment, it all appears harmless. Hey, I've got nothing to do. I'm tired. What's the problem?

And pretty soon any nagging from my conscience or nudging from the Holy Spirit is drowned by my disobedience. All too soon am I calloused.

To clarify, I'm not saying that relaxing, having down time, watching a movie, or anything of that sort is sinful. I know I need a lot of down time in order to function well and I am someone who does not thrive on a busy schedule. When I say disobedience, I am referring to my specific situation: God has asked me to acknowledge my laziness, dethrone these specific idols, and come meet with Him.

And, time and time again, I have ignored his chiding. Blatantly refused the invitation I have to go into his presence.

I want to say that it never felt blatant. It was each a small choice and each time- each time it felt like nothing wrong.

But stack everything up and-

I am a sinner. A grimy, chronic sinner. I'm supposed to be living by the Spirit. But aren't I just giving into my flesh, day in and day out?

And oh how I want to want true repentance. I want to have the strength to do a 180 degree turn. But oh I don't. I'm stuck and the barbs of flesh, desire, and sin are rooted deep. Reaching in and wrapped around my pulsing, beating heart. I'm incapable. I'm blind to what I'm doing. My habits are engrained. I'm disgustingly lazy. I'm a sunken ship, buried and lost in the waves I gave myself up to long ago.

All I have left is a whisper. That I may want to want change. It's so faint, this whisper not even past my lips.

But my God hears even the smallest of whispers. All one needs is a mustard seed and the very mountains are uprooted.

So let us all whisper our prayers for him to make us holy.