from Futile to Faithful

I don't know what's wrong with me. This whole Senior year thing, though it's been wonderful in many ways, has been very hard for me. Especially when the future is brought up.

I know this is supposed to be normal, but you should see me. Whenever someone even tries to talk to me about college, my insides panic. My mind freezes. And I say things I regret just because all I want is to do is avoid, avoid, avoid. The subject, the thought, the vast void of unknown it is in my mind. I feel like I'm stranded on an iceberg. Don't ask me why that metaphor seems to fit, but it does. Maybe because it's cold on an iceberg, and shaky. Somehow that just fits.

Anyways, I feel like I have this idea in my mind of how it's supposed to be. Of how I'm going to decide where I'm going. I have this plan of making the decision internally, and explaining my thoughts on my process to someone else just seems too much. I don't know why. So I clam up and just fight for this ideal way I want to choose.

I have this vision of God leading me - somehow showing where I'm supposed to go. Whether that's through the closing of doors, my emotions, logical conclusions, revelation, words whispered in my ear, I don't know. And I don't know if this simple vision of mine is quite accurate. I'm desperately trying to just let go.

Put my trust in my Maker.

Because that's all it takes. That's all He asks of me. 

But it's not seeming to work. Maybe because anything based on works and not faith is sin. It's of the flesh, not the Spirit.

And I'm scared, because I'm living by the flesh and not by faith. All my trying, reaching, struggling is too much. It's baggage. Putting my trust in Him is all He asks of me.

And not more. By more, I mean all this stuff I've tried to add into the mix. Excuses, rigidness, trust in myself too. It just doesn't work. Because mixing up or praying this "magical formula" of getting to where I will be is futile.

God doesn't work like that.

His ways are mysterious. And that is all I know. That He knows what He's doing. Not me.

So I'm unclenching my fists.

Closing my eyes.

And letting His wind take me to where I'm supposed to be.