Needing Grace

Dear Strangers, Acquaintances, and even Friends,

Let's just make this clear, so you won't be surprised.

I'm not a good person.

I know I pretend to be a lot, try my best to be, and even believe I am a lot of the time,
         but I'm not.

Not at all.

I'm not always fun to be around. I say cruel things. I'm quick to act on my emotions and am always doing things I regret. I don't apologize much.

And I don't love people like I should.

I'm not loving.

I wish I was. I do my best to be. I hope I can show a fragment of love to you, somehow.

But know this:
I'm just another rotten egg. Maybe more rotten than many others, though I try to hide it and not remember it myself. I like to think I can do it. I like to think that I can change myself.

Into someone fun and fascinating. Full of light, depth, and love.

I truly think I've spent my whole life believing that.

But I will disappoint you. A thousand times over. And hurt you and say things you'll never forget. I'm a failure at being a friend.

And I will disappoint myself.

Because it is me who believes in my strength more than you do.

But I was wrong. I am wrong, whenever I am caught in that lie. I'm weak and. . . I forget that.

So will you forgive me and give me grace? May God grant it to me that I can do the same to you. Even if you don't do it to me. May I learn to love unconditionally. . .

I'm sorry.

For who I am and how I will act and how I will fail you.

But thank you for learning this lesson alongside me: that we're all weak and in need of grace.

Because really, it takes all of life to learn of this.