The Smudged Window

Isn't friendship such a beautiful thing?

Nothing quite compares to that note you find slipped into your bag, or the email sent when they were thinking of you and signed with "love," before their name. All the jokes and adventures and conversations and packed lunches shared. They steal a sip of your coffee and you don't mind, not a bit, because what's yours is theirs. The late night phone calls are unforgettable, the moments of honesty a flawed perfection. When you've fought with them, and they come to apologize first, even when it was you who should be apologizing,

that's when you feel undeserving.

The sleepovers, confessions, tears. You can cry in front of them and know you're not just being dramatic. When you've had a rough day and they don't try to fix it like a mom would. They just sit with you, and listen.

No, it's not always easy. It usually feels like all it is is blood, sweat, and tears. Sometimes you find yourself wondering why you're friends at all, why you put up with this, why you've chosen this at all.

Then, in their moments of brilliance and love,
you remember why.

And friendship is something to fight for. Not to be easily lost or cast aside.

That is why betrayal is one of the most painful experiences on earth.

I'm so blessed to have a handful of close friends who love me and have stuck by my side.

I've found that there is nothing like a full, deep friendship. It's like a window, light streaming in. Framed in imperfections. Maybe the glass is cracked, maybe there are fingerprints all over making it hard to see out. Yet, it reminds. Of what's to come. . . the day when there will be no more tears. The day when every relationship will be perfect. When the fellowship will never end. What it's like to stand in the presence of the one you love, and who loves you back. Endlessly. Unconditionally.

I call you in the middle of the night, when I'm scared, and you answer the phone. You answer. You hear.

And you pray for me, right then and there.

That's when
I don't feel alone anymore.

Needing Grace

Dear Strangers, Acquaintances, and even Friends,

Let's just make this clear, so you won't be surprised.

I'm not a good person.

I know I pretend to be a lot, try my best to be, and even believe I am a lot of the time,
         but I'm not.

Not at all.

I'm not always fun to be around. I say cruel things. I'm quick to act on my emotions and am always doing things I regret. I don't apologize much.

And I don't love people like I should.

I'm not loving.

I wish I was. I do my best to be. I hope I can show a fragment of love to you, somehow.

But know this:
I'm just another rotten egg. Maybe more rotten than many others, though I try to hide it and not remember it myself. I like to think I can do it. I like to think that I can change myself.

Into someone fun and fascinating. Full of light, depth, and love.

I truly think I've spent my whole life believing that.

But I will disappoint you. A thousand times over. And hurt you and say things you'll never forget. I'm a failure at being a friend.

And I will disappoint myself.

Because it is me who believes in my strength more than you do.

But I was wrong. I am wrong, whenever I am caught in that lie. I'm weak and. . . I forget that.

So will you forgive me and give me grace? May God grant it to me that I can do the same to you. Even if you don't do it to me. May I learn to love unconditionally. . .

I'm sorry.

For who I am and how I will act and how I will fail you.

But thank you for learning this lesson alongside me: that we're all weak and in need of grace.

Because really, it takes all of life to learn of this. 

Just in case.

To a beautiful young woman,
my unnamed friend:

I wish things were the way they once were between us.

I miss how your eyes lit up when you talked to me. I miss your enveloping, strong hugs that were filled with love. I miss how you called me over. How you shouted goodbye as I walked away. I miss our conversations.

I miss when you let me in.

You allowed me in to see your pain, to hear your true feelings. You don't know how I honored I felt by that. You let me in. And that meant so much to me.

I miss you.

And this gap between us? Some days, when I think about it, it makes me ache. I ache inside.

I cried today. I cried for us.

Because I love you more than words can express. I've got a part of me snatched out because you're not here. And it's bleeding there. It won't stop bleeding.

But I can't win you back and I can't make things right, especially because I don't know what went wrong.

But I will always love you.

And I'll always be waiting for you.

Just in case.