Another Question.

Once
I came to the realization that I didn't care about the Bible. That there was no excitement or passion in me for God's very words.

And, in seeing that state of my heart,
I asked God to change that.
To mix up my passions and desires so that somehow, somehow
this feeble heart would fall in love.
Because it was ten times closer to apathetic than smitten.

And he's answered it.

He answered. 

That reminds me of the song Came To My Rescue.
That one makes me weep.

When the chorus comes and I'm scratching out the desperate words, "I called."
And the melody goes low, too low for me,
so I whisper,
"He answered."
My voice can barely get the lowness of it out, the realization that
he answered
out of my throat.
Because my heart is full of shock and undeserving at that.


This whimpering voice called out in the dark of the soul.
And
he answered.
His voice came back, to grip me by the hands. To clutch me in his strong arms.

And this question I posed, of wanting to fall in love with the Word - he leapt to answer. He's changed me and he's changing me yet. When I'm reading, I can't get enough of those words. I don't want to stop at the end of the chapter and turn out the light to get the sleep I desperately need. I want to keeping digging in, keep listening, and discovering.

And when I miss a day, when I shove it aside, or let sleep take me, or forget, I feel
off.
Unsettled. Lost. Floating on the waves of the day. I wonder what I'm missing and it's then that I realize what I never did. And now I'm seeing how I need this Anchor. These words of God writ to guide me. Now that my roots have finally tasted what they need, now that they've attached to the water of life, I can't go without it. And I can't stop desiring more.

It's unbelievable. And it's real. It happened to me!

These past months, God's been unexpectedly answering the deep desires of my heart. I've got a lot of unspoken prayers buried in me, weighing me down with the hope and desire of them. And he has come along and answered
in the way that only he can. Showing how much he knows my deepest corners, how his timing is perfect, how he can change hearts.

And with his answers, I see how eager he is for me to ask. And to ask big.
So I've noticed another area where I'm seriously lacking but deeply desiring:

I want to experience
perpetual conversation with God.

There have been a handful of relationships in my life that have slackened, declined, and distanced lately. Mostly because of my big fat sin. I'm craving for those relationships to heal or grow or be as they once were. I'm craving that human interaction, the conversations I'm missing. Plainly put, I feel as though I can't live without these people. I can't stand to leave things as they are and I'm afraid that they'll stay cracked and chipped for the rest of my life. I've let some of my happiness depend on these people. (Which will fail me, I realize. But that doesn't change the fact that it's true.)

Despite my anxiety, these relationships are mostly at a standstill. It's like God's put a hand out and stopped anything from happening. He's slid them behind, made them out of focus, so that he can look me in the eyes and show me my lack of desire and interest in
my relationship with him.

Yes. Because that's where my heart belongs but is so far from.

I'm sick of wandering through a day on my own. Most of the time, I'm living like he doesn't exist. Like I said, bobbing on the waves. Anchorless. Reading Scripture has become a daily renewal for me, it's true. I've snuggled up to the Word more, but that's not enough. I want my mind and heart and soul and whole being to be engaged with God each moment. I want my mind to be acknowledging him, remembering him. All the time.

And I want to be talking to him constantly. And listening hard, ears open.
I desire this perpetual conversation, this fellowship within, as I live in the world. I want to know his presence more. To know his voice so I will know when it's not just my thoughts talking. I want to think of him, dwell on him, call to him. To ask more when I'm about to sin, when I'm struggling, when I'm rushing, falling, regretting. To have a constant thought be: God, I need you right now.

So Lord. Here's another question, another prayer.

Will you teach me to live in perpetual conversation with you?

"Dependence on God and abiding is more than a state of mind, it is a conversation with Him."
Mike Bickle

Awaken me.

Sometimes I awaken. Get the glimpses of truth, the epiphanies, the divine ripping away of blindness. God peeling away those selfish layers like a curtain holding out the light. And I see.

I can see.

Light flashes bright. A shock for my eyes accustomed to the dark of the world. 

And in that moment, I see the ashes of my life and of this world. I see it for what it truly is in the exposure: futile.

It’s nothing. All those trivial things only hinder me and blind me.

But as that moment of enlightenment begins to fade, I stop striving and start sliding.

Sliding back.

Back, with eyes hypnotized. Believing these worldly things are like shimmering pearls. The illusion crawls back up, tricking my heart, and it’s only when the trumpet will sound that the pearls will fade before my eyes. And that’s when the sickening dread and regret will crash over me.

When it’s too late.

And I don’t want that to happen to me.

Partly because of plain old fear. Maybe it’s the wrong motivation, but. . .

I just, God-

I never.

Never.

Want to lose eyes for eternity.

May your Spirit reign in me so thick that I can never forget. Never lose sight, flush away purpose and time. This life is a vapor, disappearing in the wind. And there’s not much time, not much time. You’re at the door. May a holy haste and urgency press on my heart at all moments. May your presence be so near me, so thoroughly meshed with my heart that I’m always striving, yearning, acting. May I be bold.

Because the time’s short. It’s so short.

And I don’t want to awake when it’s too late.

I Don't Want To Hold Empty

I'm feeling crummy and grumpy. I haven't gotten the best sleep lately and I've wasted my time. Purposelessness, these past days, in my soul.

Wandering around, in this life.
This happens to me, during school breaks.
I get bad habits, and feel the distance, the lack of work, and become a lazy, fogged mess. And I always feel disgusting inside. I stop clinging to God, I think. It's like I don't need to because there's nothing to do anyways. That's what I tell myself at least.

This emptiness.

So this is what life tastes like without Him. 

I need a dose of it sometimes.

A small, jarring splash of cold water on my face to remind me:
life is worthless without my King.

This seeking of myself ends in no joy.
I'm not made for this.
I'm a stranger in this world,

made for love alone.



The point of life is love.

But Misty Edwards speaks much better than I write about this all.
So I'm pointing you in that direction, now.

-If you are willing, would you watch this?

Play that. If you have the time. I know it's very long. But it helped me at least. Spoke deep into my heart. I don't think I'll ever forget that message.

May your days ahead be filled with purpose, friends,
minds saturated in truth always,
with the goal of love in mind,
and a heart following the lover of your soul to the end.
I pray that for you.